Three mice are sitting in a bar in a pretty rough neighborhood late at night trying to impress each other about how tough they are. The first mouse slams a shot of scotch, and pounds the shot glass to the bar, turns to the second mouse and says: "When I see a mousetrap, I get on it, lie on my back, and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, and then bench press it 100 times."
The second mouse orders up two shots of tequila. He grabs one in each paw, slams the shots, and pounds the glasses to the bar. He turns to the other mice and replies: "Yeah, well when I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can and take it home. In the morning, I grind it up into a powder and put it in my coffee so I get a good buzz going for the rest of the day."
The first mouse and the second mouse then turn to the third mouse. The third mouse lets out a long sigh and says to the first two, "I don't have time for this bullshit. I gotta go home and fuck the cat."
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Joke :: Indian history by School Kid
Indian History : Supposedly written by a schoolboy with all original spellings.
The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases, who lived in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-Daro. These cities had the best drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them Ancient India was full of myths which have been handed down from son to father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology, which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors.
In olden times there were two big families in India. One was called the Pandava and the other was called the Karova. They fought amongst themselves in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as MeraBharat Mahan.
In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the Mowglis. The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana. But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept 300 porcupines. Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had not been invented at that time. He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shaikh Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangezip came to Bombay to fight Shivaji. However,after that they changed its name to Mumbai because Shivaji's sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi, so they are calling it Door Darshan.
After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was circumcising India with a 100 foot clipper. Then came the British. They brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries, pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side.
Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much diversity in our unity. The British overruled India for a long period.They were great expotents and impotents. They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth. This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted to produce his own salt. This was called the Swedish moment. During this moment, many people burnt their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian testiles.
In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he became the father of the nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment, so named because the British were quietly lootoing our country. In 1947, India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our population. Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police. Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in prison if you have not paid your taxis. Another important thing about our constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the British constipation because it is not written on paper. The Indian parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe said that two houses divided against itself cannot withstand. So Pandit Nehru asked the British for freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark. At midnight, on August 15, there was a tryst in parlemint in which many participated by wearing khaki and hosting the flag. Recently in India, there have been a large number of scams and a plaque,it can be dangerous because many people died of this plaque in Surat. Scams are all over India. One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not given anything to eat by their elected leader. The other scam was in Bofor which is a small town in Switzerland.In this, a lot of Indian money was given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot.
Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties, left,right and centre. It has started to library the economy. This means that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by itself.
India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their poverty, pollution and population.
The original inhabitants of ancient India were called Adidases, who lived in two cities called Hariappa and Mujhe-na-Daro. These cities had the best drain system in the world and so there was no brain drain from them Ancient India was full of myths which have been handed down from son to father. A myth is a female moth. A collection of myths is called mythology, which means stories with female caricatures. One myth says that people in olden times worshipped monkeys because they were our incestors.
In olden times there were two big families in India. One was called the Pandava and the other was called the Karova. They fought amongst themselves in a battle called Mahabharat, after which India came to be known as MeraBharat Mahan.
In midevil times India was ruled by the Slave Dienasty. So named because they all died a nasty death. Then came the Tughlaqs who shifted their capital from Delhi because of its pollution. They were followed by the Mowglis. The greatest Mowgli was Akbar because he extinguished himself on the battlefield of Panipat which is in Hurryana. But his son Jehangir was peace loving; he married one Hindu wife and kept 300 porcupines. Then came Shahajahan who had 14 sons. Family planning had not been invented at that time. He also built the Taj Mahal hotel for his wife who now sleeps there. The king sent all his sons away to distant parts of India because they started quarrelling. Dara Seiko was sent to UP, Shaikh Bhakhtiyar was sent to J & K, while Orangezip came to Bombay to fight Shivaji. However,after that they changed its name to Mumbai because Shivaji's sena did not like it. They also do not like New Delhi, so they are calling it Door Darshan.
After the Mowglis came Vasco the Gama. He was an exploder who was circumcising India with a 100 foot clipper. Then came the British. They brought with them many inventions such as cricket, tramtarts and steamed railways. They were followed by the French who brought in French fries, pizzazz and laundry. But Robert Clive drove them out when he deafened Duplex who was out membered since the British had the queen on their side.
Eventually, the British came to overrule India because there was too much diversity in our unity. The British overruled India for a long period.They were great expotents and impotents. They started expoting salt from India and impoting cloth. This was not liked by Mahatma Gandhi who wanted to produce his own salt. This was called the Swedish moment. During this moment, many people burnt their lion cloths in the street and refused to wear anything else. The British became very angry at this and stopped the production of Indian testiles.
In 1920, Mahatma Gandhi was married to one wife. Soon after he became the father of the nation. In 1942 he started the Quiet India moment, so named because the British were quietly lootoing our country. In 1947, India became free and its people became freely loving. This increased our population. Its government became a limited mockery, which means people are allowed to take the law in their own hands with the help of the police. Our constipation is the best in the world because it says that no man can be hanged twice for the same crime. It also says you cannot be put in prison if you have not paid your taxis. Another important thing about our constipation is that it can be changed. This is not possible with the British constipation because it is not written on paper. The Indian parlemint consists of two houses which are called lower and higher. This is because one Mr Honest Abe said that two houses divided against itself cannot withstand. So Pandit Nehru asked the British for freedom at midnight since the British were afraid of the dark. At midnight, on August 15, there was a tryst in parlemint in which many participated by wearing khaki and hosting the flag. Recently in India, there have been a large number of scams and a plaque,it can be dangerous because many people died of this plaque in Surat. Scams are all over India. One of these was in Bihar where holy cows were not given anything to eat by their elected leader. The other scam was in Bofor which is a small town in Switzerland.In this, a lot of Indian money was given to buy a gun which can shoot a coot.
Presently India has a coalishun government made up of many parties, left,right and centre. It has started to library the economy. This means that there is now no need for a licence as the economy will be driven by itself.
India is also trying to become an Asian tiger because its own tigers are being poached. Another important event this year was the Shark meeting at Malas Dive. At this place, shark leaders agreed to share their poverty, pollution and population.
Monday, March 19, 2007
Video :: The unedited fight sequence
This is a unedited fight sequence i have seen ever but not the best one. See for you self. This video is from movie 'The Protector' (guessing)
enjoy!
enjoy!
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Video :: A love story
I found this video on YouTube.com and it almost made me cry. Watch the video yourself till end. It's really heart touching.
Video name is: Because I'm a girl
Video name is: Because I'm a girl
Friday, March 16, 2007
Video :: Dolphin massacre in Japan
One of my friend sent me this video and requested to make forwards. I am really disappointed on the acts of human kind on other creatures of planet. I am putting this in my blog with hope if any one capable of stopping the act shown in video sees this and acts for good.
(You must watch this but only if you are over the age of 14)
Link to Video:
http://www.glumbert.com/media/dolphin
It will also be better if you share with others.
(You must watch this but only if you are over the age of 14)
Link to Video:
http://www.glumbert.com/media/dolphin
It will also be better if you share with others.
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Sports :: Cricket World Cup Schedule
Great news for fans and supporters of cricket! Due to the upcoming Cricket World Cup tournament, Excely.com presented a wonderfully crafted schedule called AceFixtures for Cricket World Cup. It is designed for MS Excel, contains no macros and works fully automatically. It fills in group tables without delay according to the game results you specify, which is very convenient. Cricket World Cup Schedule is just a thing for a devoted cricket supporter!
The observation of the game results is remarkably simple in schedule. All you need to do for working with this schedule is to fill in match results. Specify the winning team by marking the field next to it with any symbol, like + or W and leave the defeated team's field untouched. Everything else will be done right away by Cricket World Cup Schedule. It will automatically work out teams positions in a group and show the contenders from the Second Stage to the great Final. The way AceFixtures is organized makes it a valuable helper for any ardent fan.
With Cricket World Cup schedule you will always be aware when your favorite team starts playing since it is possible to choose the country you are supporting, highlighting matches of the team from the selected country. Choose your favorite and see with whom and when the team is to compete.
Follow up the results of every game in a marvelous schedule dedicated to Cricket World Cup. With AceFixtures you'll be ahead of the game and know about every event in the tournament. The team needs your support, so don't miss Cricket World Cup Schedule and enjoy a good competitive spirit!
Here is the download link:
http://www.excely.com/cricket/world-cup-schedule.html
Enjoy!
as i am enjoying
The observation of the game results is remarkably simple in schedule. All you need to do for working with this schedule is to fill in match results. Specify the winning team by marking the field next to it with any symbol, like + or W and leave the defeated team's field untouched. Everything else will be done right away by Cricket World Cup Schedule. It will automatically work out teams positions in a group and show the contenders from the Second Stage to the great Final. The way AceFixtures is organized makes it a valuable helper for any ardent fan.
With Cricket World Cup schedule you will always be aware when your favorite team starts playing since it is possible to choose the country you are supporting, highlighting matches of the team from the selected country. Choose your favorite and see with whom and when the team is to compete.
Follow up the results of every game in a marvelous schedule dedicated to Cricket World Cup. With AceFixtures you'll be ahead of the game and know about every event in the tournament. The team needs your support, so don't miss Cricket World Cup Schedule and enjoy a good competitive spirit!
Here is the download link:
http://www.excely.com/cricket/world-cup-schedule.html
Enjoy!
as i am enjoying
Sports :: Cricket World Cup 2007
Its 13 of March 2007 and Cricket World Cup has started today with first play between West-Indies and Pakistan. I am not a big fan of watching cricket but when it's some big event then I am always in front of my TV with lots of cola and eatables.
I am gona enjoy this world cup as all the matches will be day & night in India and i can watch every match after finishing my office work in day time.
I am very excited. You all enjoy this world cup.
Here is the link to official website of Cricket World Cup 2007:
www.cricketworldcup.com
enjoy!
I am gona enjoy this world cup as all the matches will be day & night in India and i can watch every match after finishing my office work in day time.
I am very excited. You all enjoy this world cup.
Here is the link to official website of Cricket World Cup 2007:
www.cricketworldcup.com
enjoy!
Joke :: Guide to Safe Fax
Q: Do I have to be married to have fax?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.
Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.
Q: Should a cover always be used before faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q: My parents say they never had fax when they were young and were only allowed to write memos to each other until they were 21. How old do you think someone should be before they can fax?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedures.
Q: If I fax something to myself, will I go blind?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q: There is a place on our street where you can go and pay to fax. Is this legal?
A: Yes. Many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and must pay a "professional" when their need to fax becomes too great.
Q: Should a cover always be used before faxing?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you are faxing, a cover should be used to insure safe fax.
Joke :: Oliver Twist
A newlywed bride and groom had been busy at "it" for three days straight.
The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else. When his bride woke up, he said, "Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist?"
His bride replied, "You show me one more trick with that thing and I'm going home to mother!"
The groom arose early and was reading the paper, thinking it was time to do something else. When his bride woke up, he said, "Honey would you like to see Oliver Twist?"
His bride replied, "You show me one more trick with that thing and I'm going home to mother!"
Joke :: Twice A Day !!
This guy goes into a doctors and says, "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I just can't stop having sex!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day," he answers back.
"That's not so much," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
"I do," says the man. "Twice a day!"
"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.
"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day," he answers back.
"That's not so much," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man.
"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man.
"Well, that's definitely too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."
"I do," says the man. "Twice a day!"
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Joke :: Defining Balls & Guts
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below:
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"
BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome since both ultimately result in death.
Joke :: Woman and God
A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God She asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a Facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color.
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"
God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
Joke :: dogs talk
Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog what he's there for. They are putting me down. Oh no, says the first dog, why? The second dog says,"Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep. The second dog says, "Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also.
The third dog said,"This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"
The third dog said,"This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!" The other dogs say, " so' that's why they are putting you to sleep?" No says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Joke :: Power of Deduction
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fall asleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it’s evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes is silent for a moment, then speaks. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
Video :: Spiderman 3 - Trailer Tour
Take a look inside the Spider-Man 3 specialty costume, specialty effects and property trailers.
Joke :: Blowing up Daddy
This little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears thumping coming from his parents bedroom. Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I wake up and hear you and Daddy making noises and when I look into your room your bouncing up and down on him."
His mother replies with, "Oh,..well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that squishes his belly down and makes him thin again.."
The boy replies, "Duh, mom, that won't work because the lady next door just comes over every day and blows him back up.
His mother replies with, "Oh,..well...ah...well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that squishes his belly down and makes him thin again.."
The boy replies, "Duh, mom, that won't work because the lady next door just comes over every day and blows him back up.
Joke :: playing Golf
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed-off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help, I'm a physiotherapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd just allow me!", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes", he replied as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
The woman takes it upon herself to begin to "ease his pain". She began to massage his groin.
After a few moments she asked, "Does that feel better?"
The man looked up at her and replied, "Yes, that feels pretty good... but my thumb still hurts like hell!"
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Joke :: Father of children
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, “Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. “Yes, yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. “Yes, yes he did.”
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks “Who? Who was he? Who was the father?”
Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says, “You.”
Joke :: carefully use sign language
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Saturday, March 10, 2007
Joke :: 'ism' today
INFOSYSism
You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking.
PATNIism
You have 10 cows. You make them work so that they give milk of 100 cows.
WIPROism
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.
DELLism
Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow's milk.
IBMism
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.
MICROSOFTism
You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.
SUNism
You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft.
ORACLEism
You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.
SAPism
You don't have a cow You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.
APPLEism
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.
SONYism
You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world's thinnest milk.
CITIBANKism
Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2...stay on line if you'd like our customer care to milk it for you.
HPism
You don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorised resellers only.
GEism
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that's his imagination at work.
RELIANCEism
You don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.
TATAism
You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.
You have a 1000 poor cows. You put them on a nice campus, & send them one at a time to the US for milking.
PATNIism
You have 10 cows. You make them work so that they give milk of 100 cows.
WIPROism
GE has a cow. You take 49% of the milk.
DELLism
Intel has a Goat. Samsung has a Camel. Buy milk from both & sell it as Cow's milk.
IBMism
You have old stubborn cows. You sell them as pet dogs to innocent small businessmen.
MICROSOFTism
You have a cow. Force the world to buy milk from you. Spend a million dollars to feed poorer cows.
SUNism
You have a bull. It doesn't give milk. You hate Microsoft.
ORACLEism
You have a cow. You don't know which side to milk, so you sell tools to help milk cows.
SAPism
You don't have a cow You sell milking solutions for cows implemented by milking consultants.
APPLEism
You have a cow. You sell iMilk.
SONYism
You have a cow. You spend $50 mn to develop the world's thinnest milk.
CITIBANKism
Welcome to Citibank. If you have a cow, press 1. If you have a bull, press 2...stay on line if you'd like our customer care to milk it for you.
HPism
You don't know if what you have is a cow. You sell complete milking solutions through authorised resellers only.
GEism
You have a donkey. People think you have a 100-year old cow. If someone finds out, that's his imagination at work.
RELIANCEism
You don't yet have a cow. You sell empty cans to people for Rs. 501, because Dhirubhai wanted everyone to have milk.
TATAism
You have a very old cow. You re-brand it as TATA Indicow.
Joke :: Confession of a Man
The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."
"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.
"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.
"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.
"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"
"Of course, my son," said the priest.
The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"
Joke :: blood & sperm Donating
A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.
Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
Joke :: Uniqure Treatment
A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...’’
He is interrupted by the doctor. “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”
“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”
“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.
Two weeks go by and the man is back. “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.
“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”
He is interrupted by the doctor. “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”
“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”
“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.
Two weeks go by and the man is back. “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.
“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”
Friday, March 9, 2007
Joke :: confessions of Women
Four older ladies are sitting around playing bridge. The first lady says, “You know girls, I have known you all a long time and there is something I must get off my chest. I am a Kleptomaniac. But, don’t worry, I have never stolen from you and I never will; we have been friends for too long.”
The second lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!”
The second lady says, “Well, since we are having true confessions here, I must get something off my chest too. I am a Nymphomaniac. But don’t worry, I have not hit on your husbands. They don’t interest me and never will; we have been friends for too long.”
“Well,” says the third lady, “I, too, must confess something. I am a Lesbian. But do not worry, I will not hit on you. You are not my type. We have been friends too long for me to ruin our friendship.”
The fourth lady stands up, says, “I have a confession to make also. I am an uncontrollable gossip, and I have some phone calls to make!”
Joke :: Smart & Intelligent Boy
A first-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students the teacher asked, “Boy what is your problem?”
Boy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal’s office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Boy: “9”.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Boy: “36”.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, “I think Boy can go to the third-grade.”
Ms Neelam says to the principal, “I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?” The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Boy, after a moment “Legs.”
Ms Neelam: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
Boy: “Pockets.”
Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: "Coconut"
Ms Neelam: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?" The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy: “Bubblegum”
Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…
Boy: “Shake hands”
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Neelam: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do”
Boy: “Tent”
Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: “Wedding Ring”
Ms Neelam: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Boy: “Nose”
Ms Neelam: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Boy: “Arrow”
Ms Neelam: “What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?”
Boy: “Firetruck”
Ms Neelam: “What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if u don’t get it u have to use your hand.”
Boy: Fork
Ms Neelam: “What is it that all men have one of it’s longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?”
Boy: “SURNAME”
Ms Neelam: “What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?”
Boy: "HEART"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”
Boy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal’s office. While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Boy: “9”.
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Boy: “36”.
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, “I think Boy can go to the third-grade.”
Ms Neelam says to the principal, “I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him?” The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Boy, after a moment “Legs.”
Ms Neelam: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
Boy: “Pockets.”
Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy: "Coconut"
Ms Neelam: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?" The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge.
Boy: “Bubblegum”
Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?" The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…
Boy: “Shake hands”
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Boy: Yep.
Ms Neelam: “You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do”
Boy: “Tent”
Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first." The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy: “Wedding Ring”
Ms Neelam: “I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.”
Boy: “Nose”
Ms Neelam: “I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.”
Boy: “Arrow”
Ms Neelam: “What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?”
Boy: “Firetruck”
Ms Neelam: “What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if u don’t get it u have to use your hand.”
Boy: Fork
Ms Neelam: “What is it that all men have one of it’s longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?”
Boy: “SURNAME”
Ms Neelam: “What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love?”
Boy: "HEART"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, “Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!”
Joke :: taking ' or what? '
A man goes to his doctor and complains that his wife hasn’t wanted to have sex with him for the past six months.
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”
The doctor tells the man to bring his wife in so he can talk to her and hopefully determine what the problem is.
The following day, the wife goes to the doctor’s office. The doctor asks her what’s wrong, why doesn’t she want to have sex with her husband?
“Oh, that’s easily explained. For the past six months,” the wife says, “I’ve been taking a cab to work every morning. I don’t have any money. The cab driver asks me, ‘Are you going to pay today, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.”
“Then, when I get to work,” she continues, “I’m late, so the boss asks me, ‘Are we going to write this down in the book, or what?’ So, I take an ‘or what’.
I take a cab to go home after work and, as usual, I have no money. The cab driver asks me again, ‘So, are you going to pay this time, or what?’ Again, I take an ‘or what’.
So you see, doc, by the time I get home I’m all tired out and don’t want it anymore.”
“Yes, I see,” replies the doctor. “So, are we going to tell your husband, or what?”
Joke :: Banta's X-Ray Glasses
Banta goes to the local novelty shop and finds a pair of x-ray glasses. He checks them out, and isn’t fully convinced, but as usual, the store assistant comes along and closes the deal.
On his way home, Banta puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on… everyone is naked! “Cool!”
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Preeto, but can’t find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and one of his colleagues, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Banta then says, “Damn, I just paid Rs.350/- for these, and they’re already broken!”
On his way home, Banta puts on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He sees everyone in the street naked. He takes them off for a moment, and everyone has their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on… everyone is naked! “Cool!”
As he arrives back home, he is eager to show his new toy to his wife, Preeto, but can’t find her. He goes up to the bedroom and finds his wife and one of his colleagues, naked in bed. He takes his glasses off, and the two are still naked. He puts them back on, and they are still naked.
Banta then says, “Damn, I just paid Rs.350/- for these, and they’re already broken!”
Thursday, March 8, 2007
Joke :: Pregnant daughter’s smart father
A twenty-one-year-old girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!” The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house! ; a mature and distinguished man with gray hair, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps out of the car and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, the mother and the girl, and tells them, “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation, but I’ll take charge. If a girl is born, I will bequeath her two retail stores, a townhouse, a beach villa and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it is twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?” At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “Then you can try again!”
Joke :: Best Toast
John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!” That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him move faster.”
He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night.”
She said, “And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”
She said, “he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him move faster.”
Joke :: Proof by Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads Floor 4 -These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 -These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch: you may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads Floor 4 -These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework.
“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 -These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof
that women are impossible to please.Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Joke :: Woman in Tight Skirt
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a tight leather skirt was waiting for a bus. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried totake the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”
The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we was friends.”
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried totake the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step. Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step. About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”
The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kind’a figured we was friends.”
Joke :: How to Sell Bible
A man came into a shop with a ‘Salesman Wanted’ sign in a window. He went up to the owner and said, “I-I-I w-w-waannn-t the j-joooob-b.” “I don’t know if this job would suit you because of your speaking impediment,” said the owner.
“I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!” said the man.
“O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them.” said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later. “H-here-sss your m-m-money.” said the man. The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, “Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money.”
The owner said, “This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?”
“W-welllll,” said the man, “I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say ‘H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w-want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m’me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?”
“I h-h-havvve a w-wi-wiiiife and s-s-s-six k-kkkids, iiii-I re-really neeeed thi-thi-this j-j-job!” said the man.
“O.K. Here are three Bibles. Go out and sell them.” said the owner.
So the man went out and came back an hour later. “H-here-sss your m-m-money.” said the man. The owner was impressed, so he gave the man a dozen more Bibles and sent him out. The man came back in two hours and said, “Her-ers y-yooour m-m-money.”
The owner said, “This is fantastic. You sold more Bibles in three hours than anyone has sold in a week. Tell me, what do you say to the people when they come to the door?”
“W-welllll,” said the man, “I r-r-ring the d-door bell, a-a-and s-s-say ‘H-Hel-Hello, M-m-maaaaddam, d-d-do you w-w-want t-t t-to buy thi-thi-this B-B-Bible, oooor d-d-do y-you w-w-want m’me t-toooo read it t-t-t-t-to you?”
Joke :: Blone in Casino
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know - I thought you were watching.”
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed… “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know - I thought you were watching.”
MORAL: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
Tuesday, March 6, 2007
Joke :: thanks for saving 1600 lives . . . twice
DEAR DIARY .. DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.
DEAR DIARY … DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY … DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also played some shuffleboard and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY DAY FOUR
Went to the ship’s casino … did OK … won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY … DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY … DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today …. twice.
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.
DEAR DIARY … DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
DEAR DIARY … DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also played some shuffleboard and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.
DEAR DIARY DAY FOUR
Went to the ship’s casino … did OK … won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his stateroom. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.
DEAR DIARY … DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.
DEAR DIARY … DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today …. twice.
Joke :: God bless Maria
Maria is a devout Catholic. She gets married and has 17 children. Then her husband dies. She remarries two weeks later, and has 22 children by her next husband. Then he dies. A while later, she dies.
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, “At last they’re finally together.”
A guy sitting in the front row says, “Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?”
“I mean her legs!”
At the funeral, the priest looks skyward and says, “At last they’re finally together.”
A guy sitting in the front row says, “Excuse me Father, but do you mean her and her first husband, or her and her second husband?”
“I mean her legs!”
Joke :: the daughter-in-laws
It is a known fact that all daughters-in-law have problems with their mother-in-law.
Anyway… One day the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly done wrong.
A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.
The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave.
On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-on-law died.
The daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular was more heart broken than the rest.
Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still she cried.
Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her, “Why are you crying so much? Was your mother-in-law that special?”
The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied… “No, she missed the bus!”
Anyway… One day the daughters-in-law all got together and decided to apologise to their mothers-in-law for everything they had supposedly done wrong.
A week later the daughters-in-law decided to take their families (including their mothers-in-law) on a picnic.
The mothers-in-law were all in one bus, which was the first to leave.
On the way their bus had an accident and all the mothers-on-law died.
The daughters-in-law were devastated but one in particular was more heart broken than the rest.
Everyone tried to console her by telling her that at least her mother-in-law had died without any tension between them. But still she cried.
Eventually when she was calm enough to speak the other women asked her, “Why are you crying so much? Was your mother-in-law that special?”
The woman no sobbing uncontrollably replied… “No, she missed the bus!”
Joke :: how to spell Mississippi
A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine,” retorted the lady indignantly. “In this country . . .we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives . . ”
“Hey, coola down lady,” said the man. “Who talkin’ abouta sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell ‘Mississippi’.”
Joke :: He said . . She said
He said . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . .You wear pants don’t you?
He said . . . Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . . . That’s a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . ….Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . We don’t know; it has never happened.
He said . . . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.
Joke :: Love for Dentist
Mary completed four weeks of dental restoration with Dr. Morris Cohen the dentist.
She confided to her best friend that she had fallen in love with her dentist …and she was going to propose to him.
Her friend said, ” Mary, your 38 years old, your beautiful, you have dozens of men that adore you. Why this dentist?”
“Because he is the First man that ever said to me….SPIT, don’t SWALLOW.”
Joke :: boyfriend of grandma'
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. He played with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting. He looked up and said, “Grandma, how come you don’t have a boyfriend?”
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh.
I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.”
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. Shestarted adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister.
The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied,”Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”
The minister fainted.
Grandma replied, “Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The TV evangelists keep me company and make me feel so good. The comedies make me laugh.
I’m really happy with the TV as my boyfriend.”
Grandma turned on the TV and the reception was terrible. Shestarted adjusting the knobs trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma’s minister.
The minister said, “Hello, son, is your grandma home?”
The little boy replied,”Yeah, but she’s in the bedroom bangin’ her boyfriend.”
The minister fainted.
Joke :: Since 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event, hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
She said, “Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?” “Negative, ma’am,” the Sergeant Major said, “Just serious by nature.”
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
The Sergeant Major’s short reply was, “Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
The Sergeant Major looked at her and replied, “1955.”
She said, “Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! Isn’t that a little extreme?”
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “You think so? It’s only 2130 now.”
(he meant 19:55 and 21:30)
Monday, March 5, 2007
Joke :: Wishes of Nuns
Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven, where they are met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter. He says, “Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I’m granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want.”
The first nun says, “I want- a to be Sophia Loren” and …poof! she’s gone.
The second says, “I want-a to be Madonna” and …poof! she’s gone.
The third says, “I want-a to be Sara Pipalini.”
St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.
“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says “I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No Sister, this says `Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days’!”
The first nun says, “I want- a to be Sophia Loren” and …poof! she’s gone.
The second says, “I want-a to be Madonna” and …poof! she’s gone.
The third says, “I want-a to be Sara Pipalini.”
St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who?” he says.
“Sara Pipalini” replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says “I’m sorry but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”
The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says “No Sister, this says `Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in 7 days’!”
Joke :: all monther-in-laws, beware of Mule
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.
The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy’ and I would nod my head and say, ‘Yes, it was.’ The men would then ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t. It’s all booked up for a year’.”
Joke :: Do not crawl in there again
Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.
The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her Mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.
Kathleen quickly responded, “He shouldn’t have crawled in there in the first place. Smack his butt again!"
Joke :: Doodh ke saath biscuit
One sad day Sardarji finds out from his doctor that he’s going to die. He asks the doctor if there is anything, anything at all that he can do to save his life.
After careful consideration and analysis the doctor tells him that he’ll have to drink a milk off a mom’s nipples who’s just recently become a mom for three consecutive days and he’ll live.
Sardarji all depressed reaches home where his whole family relatives and friends are there to share their sympathies. One of his childhood friends tells him “Yaar, tennu pata hai teri bhabi da munda howa hai, teri jaan de khaatir tu peela dood usse.” Sardarji all shy goes “Mein bhabi naal
aisa kaise karsakta hoon.”
Friend: “Koi gal nahii oyee, tere se bharke thorehi hai!”
So Sardarji goes into the room where Sardarni is lying on the bed. While sucking on the nipples he gets her aroused and when he’s about to leave, Sardarni goes “Sardarji taanu kuj hor chaiida te manglo?”
Sardarji: “Nahii nahii bhabii, tussi mere liye enna kujh kita, o bohot hai.” And Sardarji goes home.
Next day he comes back and again Sardarni all horny says “Sardarji taanu kuj hor chaiida te manglo?”
Sardarji: “Nahii nahii bhabii, tussi mere liye enna kujh karde pe o, bohot hai.”
Final day Sardarji comes and yet again Sardarni is again real horny “Sardarji tussi roz aandeo, aaj te kujh hor manglo tussi” Sardarji: “Chalo tussi kendeo te dood naal biscuit hojaan te mazza aajave!”
Joke :: having a laundry
A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term “doing the laundry” to use in place of “having sex.”
This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They “did the laundry” 5 times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, “Can we do the laundry again?” but she was very tired.
She told him that she just couldn’t do it again just yet. Maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn’t unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and “do the laundry” with him again.
She gently shook him and said, “Honey, I’m sorry I denied you. We can do the laundry again if you want,” He replied, “That’s ok… It was a small load… I did it by hand.”
Joke :: Room No 1221
A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.” She replies, “if your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221.”
Joke :: Psychiatrist conducting group theraphy
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children… “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turns to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child’s name, Brandy.”
At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers. “Come on, Dick, we’re leaving.”
Joke :: Golden Wedding Anniversary
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beach in Montego Bay Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, “What a peaceful and loving couple”.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. “Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America”, explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said “That’s once”.
We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing my wife to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said “That’s twice”.
We hadn’t gone a half mile when the horse stumbed a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, “What’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy? She looked at me, and quietly said “That’s once”, and from that moment on we have lived happily ever after.
A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage. “Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America”, explained the man. “We visited the Grand Canyon in Arizona and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by horse. We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said “That’s once”.
We proceeded a little further and the horse stumbled again, this time causing my wife to drop her water. Once more my wife quietly said “That’s twice”.
We hadn’t gone a half mile when the horse stumbed a third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I shouted at her, “What’s wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that? Are you crazy? She looked at me, and quietly said “That’s once”, and from that moment on we have lived happily ever after.
Video :: The sweet song for pinged hearts
The song is in Hindi Language (India)
In this song beautiful girl shows great love for her boyfriend but he did not value her love. When girl left him, he came to know what he missed and now he is trying to make it up with her but story ends as girl left her completely and marry to other guy, but still in love with his boyfriend.
The basic song line is (in simplified English):
My beloved I miss you so badly, my heart is sinking I feelin I die with out you.
In this song beautiful girl shows great love for her boyfriend but he did not value her love. When girl left him, he came to know what he missed and now he is trying to make it up with her but story ends as girl left her completely and marry to other guy, but still in love with his boyfriend.
The basic song line is (in simplified English):
My beloved I miss you so badly, my heart is sinking I feelin I die with out you.
First Post to this Blog
Hi all
I have started this blog for some fun arround. This blog is apart from my professional blog which is located here http://sahnav.blogspot.com
So enjoy this blog and have some fun with me.
cheers !
I have started this blog for some fun arround. This blog is apart from my professional blog which is located here http://sahnav.blogspot.com
So enjoy this blog and have some fun with me.
cheers !
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