Monday, November 19, 2007

Joke :: Tell the truth

A man’s wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. With that option out, he ventured into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. But, at the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. They had a couple of beers and one thing led to another and they ended up in her apartment.

After they had their fun, he realized it was 3 a.m. and said, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?” The woman found him some, which he proceeded to rub on his hands. Then he went home.

His wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and she was quite upset. “Where the hell have you been?”

The man took a deep breath. “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”

He looked down, and held them out. His wife took one look, and exploded into tears, “You damn liar! You went bowling again!”

Joke :: All the room I can get!

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. “What happened?” she asks.

“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”

Joke :: Husband will be home soon!

A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”

James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”

“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…

“Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”

The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.

That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”

Joke :: In My Chair

Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

“Al, what do you believe in?”

Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”

God thinks for a second and says, “OK, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left,”

God then addresses Bill Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?”

Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.”

God thinks for a second and says, “OK, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”

God then addresses Bill Gates. “Bill Gates, what do you believe?”

Bill Gates said, “I believe you’re in my chair.”

Joke :: Woman's body has five rooms

According to Chinese Doctors, a Woman's body has five rooms:

1. FACE - show room
2. BOOBS - play room
3. TUMMY - store room
4. VAGINA - men's room
5. ANUS - emergency room

Friday, August 3, 2007

Sweet Stories

A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard.

She did not recognize them.

She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."

"Is the man of the house home?", they asked. "No", she replied. "He's out."

"Then we cannot come in", they replied.

In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened. "Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"

The woman went out and invited the men in" " We do not go into a House together," they replied. "Why is that?" she asked.

One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love."

Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."

The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How n ice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth.

Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"

His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?" Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house.

She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!" "Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife. "Go out and invite Love to be our guest ."

The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."

Love got up and started walking toward the house.

The other 2 also got up and followed him.

Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"

The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him.

Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success !!!!!!"

Life is a Gift

Life is a Gift
There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she's blind.

She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend.

He's alwaysthere for her.

She said that if she could only see the world, she would marryher boyfriend.

One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she can see everything, including her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend asked her, "now that you can see the world, willyou marry me?"The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend is blindtoo, and refused to marry him.

Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letterto her saying."Just take care of my eyes dear."This is how human mental thoughts changes when their status changed.

Only few remember what life was before, and who's always been there even in the most painful situations.

Life Is A GiftToday before we think of saying an unkind word
Think of someone who can't speak.

Before we complain about the taste of our food
Think of someone who has nothing to eat.

Before we complain about our husband or wife
Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion.

Today before we complain about life
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.

Before we complain about our children
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.

Before we argue about our dirty house, someone didn't clean or sweep
Think of the people who are living in the streets .

Before whining about the distance we drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.

And when we are tired and complain about our job
Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wishedthey had our job.

But before we think of pointing the finger or condemninganother
Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answerto one maker.

And when depressing thoughts seem to get us down
Put a smile on our face and thank God we're alive and still around.

Life is a gift
Live it
Enjoy it
Celebrate it

EMBRACE IT
And fulfill it

Let The LORD & The LIGHT OF THE WORLD Bless You...............

Best Smiles of the year














Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Joke :: Grandma's advice to virgin grand-daughter

There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.

Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."

She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.

Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."

With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.

The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."

Joke :: The Affair

“The thrill is gone from my marriage,” Bill told his friend Doug.

“Why not add some intrigue to your life and have an affair?” Doug suggested.

“But what if my wife finds out?”

“Heck, this is a new age we live in, Bill. Go ahead and tell her about it!”

So Bill went home and said, “Dear, I think an affair will bring us closer together.”

“Forget it,” said his wife. “I’ve tried that a couple of dozen times - it didn’t work.”

Joke :: The Three Swordsmen

Once the Shogun gave a reception to honor the best swordsmen in Japan. All the top samurai were in attendance along with Court nobles and beautiful geisha. A geisha approached the third highest ranked swordsmen and asked; "Sir, can you demonstrate your sword skills for me?" At once, the samurai drew his sword a cut a hovering fly in half. "Very impressive", said the geisha. When she saw the samurai who was the second highest ranked swordsmen in Japan she asked him the same question. He immediately drew his sword and cut two pesky flys in half. "Most impressive", said the geisha. Then she spotted the samurai that was the highest ranked swordsmen in all of Japan. "Honorable Sir", she said "would you be so kind as to demonstrate your sword skill for me?". The samurai drew his sword and cut into the air in the direction of a nearby fly, but the fly buzzed away. "Oh, so sorry you missed", said the geisha. "But I didn't miss", said the samurai humbly "that fly will have no offspring."

Joke :: One hole behind

A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened, and he approached the lady again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th.” Once again he thanked her.

He finished his round and went into the club house and saw the lady sitting at the end of the bar. He went up to her and said, “Let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help.” He started a conversation and asked her what kind of work she did. She said she was in sales, and he said he was in sales also. He asked what she sold.

She replied, “If I told you, you would only laugh.”

“No, I wouldn’t,” he said.

She said, “I sell tampons.”

With that he fell on the floor laughing so hard.

She said, “See, I knew you would laugh.”

“That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m STILL one hole behind you!”

Joke :: Going To Heaven

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

Joke :: The Grand Wish

A guy is walking along the shoreline at the beach. Sure enough he kicks up a bottle, pulls the cork, and out comes the Genie to give him one wish (this happens all the time). He pulls out a map of the Middle East, and asks the Genie if he can bring Peace to this part of the World.

The Genie pales, and says, “Master, these people have been at war since time began. It is their nature, the very fiber of their lives. What you ask is totally impossible. It is probably the only wish I cannot grant you. Ask for anything else and I will make it happen.”

“OK,” the dude says, “Tomorrow morning have my wife awaken me with the best blow job I’ve ever had, on her own, without my begging and pleading. Because SHE LIKES IT, because SHE WANTS TO, because IT TURNS HER ON!!”

The Genie shakes his head and says, “Let me see that map again…”

Joke :: Top Ten Things That Sound Dirty In Golf

10. Nuts… my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

1. Hold up… I need to wash my balls first.

Joke :: Titles of Monica Lewinsky’s future books

I Wore What You Did Last Summer

I Suck At My Job

What Really Goes Down In The White House

How I Blew It In Washington

You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President

Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule

Going Back for Gore

Podium Girl

Secret Services to the President

Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton

Deep Inside The Oval Office

The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions

She’s Chief of MY Staff!

Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes

How To Beat Off the Government

Going Down and Moving Up

Members of the Presidential Cabinet

Me and My Big Mouth

Joke :: Breach of contract

Storming into his lawyer’s office, a Texas oil magnate demanded that divorce proceedings begin at once against his young bride.

“What’s the problem?” asked the lawyer.

“I want to hit that adulterin’ bitch for breach of contract,” snapped the oil man.

“I don’t know if that will fly,” said the lawyer. “I mean your wife isn’t a piece of property, you don’t own her!”

“Damn right,” the tycoon rejoined, “but I sure as hell expect exclusive drillin’ rights!”

Joke :: Indian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country. He goes to the German hell and asks, “What do they do here?” He told, ”First they put you in an electric chair for An hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then The German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.”

The man does not like the sound of that at all,so he moves on. He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more. He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.

Then he comes to the Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in. Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?” He told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day.” “But that is exactly the same as all the other hells - why are there so many people waiting to get in?”

“Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work,someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a former Govt servant, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the canteen!!!!!!

Joke :: Insurance company slogan competition

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."

The Second one tries to improve on that with "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with "From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with "From the erection to the resurrection."

Joke :: The Blonde Artist

A man requested a blonde painter to paint him in the nude.

“No,” the talented blonde artist said. “I don’t do that sort of thing.”

“I’ll increase your fee two times,” he said.

“No, no thanks!!” she replies.

“I’ll give five times as much as you normally get!” the man states.

“Okay,” said the blonde artist, “but you have to let me at least wear my socks. I need somewhere to place my brushes.”

Joke :: Cheeni Kum with Mallika and Rakhi?

Q. What would be the name of the sequel to Cheeni Kum starring Mallika Sherawat and Rakhi Sawant?

A. Cheeni Kum, doodh zyaada.

Saturday, July 14, 2007