A young man went to the psychiatrist complaining that he was getting married and he was worried about the small size of his penis. The psychiatrist advised him to go and stay on a dairy farm, and every morning, dip his penis in milk and get is sucked by a calf.
Some time later, the young man met the psychiatrist in the street.
"How's the marriage going?", asked the psychiatrist.
"I never got married", said the young man. "I canceled it and bought the calf."
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Joke :: Guy asking girl after sex
A guy meets a girl in the bar and she goes home with him. When they are relaxing after making love, he asks, "Am I the first guy you ever made love to?"
She looks at him for a few moments and says, "of course you are!" she said. "Why do you men always ask that same stupid questions?"
She looks at him for a few moments and says, "of course you are!" she said. "Why do you men always ask that same stupid questions?"
Joke :: Umpire giving bad decisions
Ossie approached the umpire after a series of bad decisions.
"If I called you a stupid bastard who didn't know the first thing about the rules of football, what would you do?", he said.
"I'd report you and you'd be fined", replied the umpire.
"What if I didn't say it and I just thought it?", said Ossie.
"Well, there's nothing I can do about that."
"O.K.", said Ossie, "we'll just leave it at that."
"If I called you a stupid bastard who didn't know the first thing about the rules of football, what would you do?", he said.
"I'd report you and you'd be fined", replied the umpire.
"What if I didn't say it and I just thought it?", said Ossie.
"Well, there's nothing I can do about that."
"O.K.", said Ossie, "we'll just leave it at that."
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Joke :: Drunk asking a cop about time
The Police Sergeant told the young Constable to clean up the drunks hanging around the local bar.
One drunk walked up to him and asked, "Exchuse me, offisser, could you tell me the time?"
"One o'clock", replied the Policeman, and hit him once on the head with his baton.
"Christ!" said the drunk, "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"
One drunk walked up to him and asked, "Exchuse me, offisser, could you tell me the time?"
"One o'clock", replied the Policeman, and hit him once on the head with his baton.
"Christ!" said the drunk, "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"
Joke :: Less costly alternative to Vasectomy
After having their 11Th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, " said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ....... At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas, Missouri and parts of Tenn.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, " said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ....... At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas, Missouri and parts of Tenn.
Joke :: Problem of Ivan after night party
Ivan looked worried. He was explaining to his friend about his experience after the party the night before.
"I was so pissed", he said, "I can hardly remember a thing. All I know is that I woke up on top of this woman. I didn't know what to do, so I gave her $20, rolled over and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was at home in bed and I realized it was my wife that I'd given the $20 to."
"Well, what's the problem?" said his friend.
"She gave me $10 change", Ivan replied.
"I was so pissed", he said, "I can hardly remember a thing. All I know is that I woke up on top of this woman. I didn't know what to do, so I gave her $20, rolled over and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was at home in bed and I realized it was my wife that I'd given the $20 to."
"Well, what's the problem?" said his friend.
"She gave me $10 change", Ivan replied.
Joke :: Stupid Husband
A man came home to find his wife in bed with his friend,
"What's going on here?" demanded the husband.
"See," said the wife to her lover, "I told you he was stupid."
"What's going on here?" demanded the husband.
"See," said the wife to her lover, "I told you he was stupid."
Joke :: Choosing a Door in hell
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee. "Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "OK, coffee break`s over, back on your heads!"
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee. "Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "OK, coffee break`s over, back on your heads!"
Joke :: Guy feeling weak and faint
"Doctor, I feel weak and faint."
"How many times do you have sex?", asked the doctor.
"Five or six times a night."
"Obviously that's the cause of your problem", said the doctor.
"What a relief, doc. I was afraid it might be the masturbation."
"How many times do you have sex?", asked the doctor.
"Five or six times a night."
"Obviously that's the cause of your problem", said the doctor.
"What a relief, doc. I was afraid it might be the masturbation."
Joke :: Strange light
"Wake up Paula!" Peter yelled at 2am. You won't believe what just happened! I went to have a leak and a strange light came on from nowhere. When I finished the light went out again. It's a miracle!"
"No, it's not," said Paula. "You've pissed in the bloody fridge again!"
"No, it's not," said Paula. "You've pissed in the bloody fridge again!"
Joke :: Sleeping in the barn
A Jew, an Indian and a Frenchman were traveling across Texas when their car broke down. They knocked on a farmers' door and asked for accommodation for the night.
"I can only put up two", said the farmer, "one will have to sleep in the barn," said the farmer.
"I will sleep in the barn", said the Jew.
Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. "There's a pig in the barn", said the Jew, "I cannot sleep with a pig."
"O.K, I'll go", said the Indian.
Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. "There's a cow in the barn", said the Indian, "I am a Hindu, I cannot sleep with a cow."
"I'll go", said the Frenchman.
Five minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.
"I can only put up two", said the farmer, "one will have to sleep in the barn," said the farmer.
"I will sleep in the barn", said the Jew.
Five minutes later there was a knock on the door. "There's a pig in the barn", said the Jew, "I cannot sleep with a pig."
"O.K, I'll go", said the Indian.
Five minutes later, there was a knock on the door. "There's a cow in the barn", said the Indian, "I am a Hindu, I cannot sleep with a cow."
"I'll go", said the Frenchman.
Five minutes later, there was another knock on the door. It was the pig and the cow.
Joke :: Bill with inflamed penis
Bill had just returned home from a sales convention in Hong Kong. He spent his days at the convention and his nights in the Red Light district, and was now suffering from a painful and inflamed penis. He hurried to the doctor, who diagnosed it as the Hong Kong Dong and told Bill he would have to have his penis amputated.
Bill was shocked and sought a second opinion, only to be given the same advice - amputation.
A friend recommended a Chinese doctor who practiced traditional medicine. The Chinese doctor confirmed the Hong Hong Dong diagnosis but said there was no need for amputation.
"I'm so relieved!", said Bill.
"Yes", said the Chinese medico, "in a week's time it will drop off by itself."
Bill was shocked and sought a second opinion, only to be given the same advice - amputation.
A friend recommended a Chinese doctor who practiced traditional medicine. The Chinese doctor confirmed the Hong Hong Dong diagnosis but said there was no need for amputation.
"I'm so relieved!", said Bill.
"Yes", said the Chinese medico, "in a week's time it will drop off by itself."
Joke :: Tourist looking for sex in Bangkok
The young tourist was exploring the Red Light district of Bangkok and thought we would try one of the well known Parlors.
"Sorry", said the Madam "there are no girls available tonight." Disappointed, he returned to leave.
"Wait!", said the Madam, "we do have a beautiful young female pig available, and she's very popular with many of our clients. I can guarantee you'll enjoy it."
"Why not!" he thought. He paid his money and had his way with the pig.
It was so enjoyable that he was back at the same Parlor the next night, asking for the pig.
"I'm sorry", said the Madam, "the pig's not available, but there's good show on tonight - a donkey with one of our girls."
He paid his money and took his seat behind the two-way mirror.
"Gee", he said to the man sitting next to him, "this is incredible."
"It's nothing", said the stranger. "You should have been here last night. There was a man fucking a pig."
"Sorry", said the Madam "there are no girls available tonight." Disappointed, he returned to leave.
"Wait!", said the Madam, "we do have a beautiful young female pig available, and she's very popular with many of our clients. I can guarantee you'll enjoy it."
"Why not!" he thought. He paid his money and had his way with the pig.
It was so enjoyable that he was back at the same Parlor the next night, asking for the pig.
"I'm sorry", said the Madam, "the pig's not available, but there's good show on tonight - a donkey with one of our girls."
He paid his money and took his seat behind the two-way mirror.
"Gee", he said to the man sitting next to him, "this is incredible."
"It's nothing", said the stranger. "You should have been here last night. There was a man fucking a pig."
Saturday, April 14, 2007
Joke :: That's Sacrifice in Love
A man escapes from a prison where he has been kept for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on
the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is
an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time
in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just
give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is
probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong,
honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it.
"Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young
couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on
the neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is
an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time
in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do what he tells you, just
give him satisfaction, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is
probably dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong,
honey. I love you".
To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was
whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and
asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. I told him where to find it.
"Be strong, honey. I love you, too."
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Joke :: Job at the zoo
obs were hard to get but there was a vacancy at the zoo. On arrival, Pat was told that the gorilla had just died and that they wanted him to put on a gorilla suit and pretend to be a gorilla until another one could be found.
Pat began to enjoy his job a great deal. Eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining the spectators and laying in the sunshine.
One day, while putting on a performance for a big crowd, he swung a bit too far and landed in the lion enclosure next door. He jumped to his feet when he saw two lions growling fiercely. He ran to the bars, screaming for help. He turned round and faced the lions and one lion said, "If you don't stop that bloody screaming and shouting, we'll all lose our jobs."
Pat began to enjoy his job a great deal. Eating bananas, swinging from branch to branch, entertaining the spectators and laying in the sunshine.
One day, while putting on a performance for a big crowd, he swung a bit too far and landed in the lion enclosure next door. He jumped to his feet when he saw two lions growling fiercely. He ran to the bars, screaming for help. He turned round and faced the lions and one lion said, "If you don't stop that bloody screaming and shouting, we'll all lose our jobs."
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Joke :: Mommy's Washcloth
There was this lady who was in the shower & her little boy walked in on her taking a shower & he saw her pubic hairs & says:
"Mommy what's that?" as he pointed down to her.
"Well, that's Mommy's washcloth."
The next day he walked in on her again, & asked her again & she says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking.
So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks:
"Mommy what happened to your washcloth?"
"Uh, Mommy lost it." So the little boy walked out.
The next day he walked in on his mom & says:
"Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth & she is washing Daddy's face with it!"
"Mommy what's that?" as he pointed down to her.
"Well, that's Mommy's washcloth."
The next day he walked in on her again, & asked her again & she says it was her washcloth. Well, this time when he walked out she shaved it off because she got tired of him asking.
So the next day when he walked in on her, he asks:
"Mommy what happened to your washcloth?"
"Uh, Mommy lost it." So the little boy walked out.
The next day he walked in on his mom & says:
"Hey Mommy, the maid found your washcloth & she is washing Daddy's face with it!"
Joke :: Radio Game
This story occurred on Melbourne radio last week. One of the FM stations has a competition where they ring someone up, ask them three personal questions, ring their spouse or partner, ask them the same three questions, if the answers are the same, the couple win an overseas holiday. Last week the competition went like this:
Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter:(and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!
Radio Silence
Presenter: Hey its XXX-FM, do you want to play the game?
Brian: Yeah, sure.
Presenter: O.K., Question 1 - When was the last time you had sex?
Brian: Ha Ha, well, about 8 o'clock this morning.
Presenter: And how long did it go for Brian?
Brian: Hmmmmm .... about 10 minutes.
Presenter:10 minutes? Good one. And where did you do it?
Brian: Ohhhh , I can't say that.
Presenter: There's a holiday to Bali at stake here Brian!
Brian: O.K. ... O.K. ... On the kitchen table.
Presenter:(and others in the room - much laughter). Good one Brian, now is it O.K. for us to call your wife?
Brian: Yeah, alright.
Presenter: Hi Sharelle, how are you?
Sharelle: Hi. Good thanks.
Presenter: (Explains competition again) We've got Brian on the other line, say hello.
Sharelle: Hi Brian.
Brian: Hi Sharelle.
Presenter: Now Sharelle, we're going to ask you the same three questions we asked Brian and if you give the same answers, you win a trip for two to Bali.
Brian: Just tell the truth Honey.
Sharelle: O.K.
Presenter: Sharelle, when was the last time you had sex?
Sharelle: Oohhhh, noooooo. I can't say that on radio.
Brian: Sharelle, it doesn't matter. I've already told them.
Sharelle: O.K. ... About 8:00 this morning before Brian went to work.
Presenter: Good, nice start! Next question. How long did it go for Sharelle?
Sharelle: (giggling) About 12, maybe 15 minutes.
Co-Presenter: That's close enough ... Brian was just being a gentleman.
Presenter: O.K. Sharelle, final question. Where did you do it?
Sharelle: Oh no I can't say that. My mum could be listening. No way, no.
Presenter: There's a trip to Bali on the line here.
Brian: Sharelle, I've already told them so it doesn't matter anyway.. just tell em.
Sharelle: Ohhhh .... alright .... Up the ass!
Radio Silence
Joke :: Chief priest looking for suitable successor
The old chief priest in the remote monastery was sickly and dying, and the time had come for him to choose among the other priests, the one most suitable to succeed him.
He called all of them together one day and announced that he had devised an ingenious plan to determine the holiest among them. He then gave out to each of the priests a small drum and asked that they tied it around their waists. Having done so, they stood in a semi circle while the chief priest clapped his hands. Immediately, from behind the curtains came a bevy of flimsily clad dancers who began to perform the most provocative routine in front of the shocked priests. As the tempo increased, there were drumming sounds coming from the waists of all but one priest.
Approaching this particular priest, the chief priest announced that he had found his successor, at the same time admonishing the rest of the herd for their lack of sanctity. Calling this priest to face the crowd, he lifted his attire but, horror of horrors, he discovered that the drum had broken through!
He called all of them together one day and announced that he had devised an ingenious plan to determine the holiest among them. He then gave out to each of the priests a small drum and asked that they tied it around their waists. Having done so, they stood in a semi circle while the chief priest clapped his hands. Immediately, from behind the curtains came a bevy of flimsily clad dancers who began to perform the most provocative routine in front of the shocked priests. As the tempo increased, there were drumming sounds coming from the waists of all but one priest.
Approaching this particular priest, the chief priest announced that he had found his successor, at the same time admonishing the rest of the herd for their lack of sanctity. Calling this priest to face the crowd, he lifted his attire but, horror of horrors, he discovered that the drum had broken through!
Joke :: A Special Ring
A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with a beautiful young lady on his side.
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.
The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said.
At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.
"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."
The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?"
"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday".
Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. " You lied. There's no money in that account"
"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"
"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend" he said.
The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding ring priced at $5,000.
"I don't think you understand ... I want something very unique," he said.
At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.
"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."
The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
"How are you paying?"
"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday".
Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man. " You lied. There's no money in that account"
"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?"
Monday, April 9, 2007
Joke :: Bartender at a new job
Ben applied for a job as bartender at the local hotel. The owner had heard that Ben had been fired from his last hotel job because he was always late, money was often missing from the till and it was rumored that he was gay.
"I'll give you a chance" said the new employer "but if there's any money missing or you're late you will be fired immediately. Now give me a kiss and get to work."
"I'll give you a chance" said the new employer "but if there's any money missing or you're late you will be fired immediately. Now give me a kiss and get to work."
Joke :: Terry terrified of parachute jumping
Terry joined the army and was terrified about having to make his first parachute jump. On the day of the jump he told his wife that he couldn't do it but she reassured him and sent him off for the jump. On his return she asked him how it went.
"Dreadful!" he said. "When the plane got to 10,000 feet, we lined up for the jump and when it got to my turn I just froze in the doorway!"
"So what happened?" she pressed.
"The Sergeant came up behind me pulled out his huge dick and said that if I didn't jump he's stick it right up my arse!" said the embarrassed husband.
"Well did you jump?" she asked
"Yes, - a little bit at first..."
"Dreadful!" he said. "When the plane got to 10,000 feet, we lined up for the jump and when it got to my turn I just froze in the doorway!"
"So what happened?" she pressed.
"The Sergeant came up behind me pulled out his huge dick and said that if I didn't jump he's stick it right up my arse!" said the embarrassed husband.
"Well did you jump?" she asked
"Yes, - a little bit at first..."
Joke :: Which body part is boss?
When God made man, all the parts of the body argued over who would be boss. The brain explained that since he controlled all the parts of the body, he should be boss. The legs argued that since they took the man wherever he wanted to go, they should be boss.
The stomach countered with explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the asshole become mad and closed up. After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs got wobby, the stomach got ill, e eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.
This proves that you don't' have to be a brain to be boss.... just an asshole.
The stomach countered with explanation that since he digested all the food, he should be boss. The eyes said that without them, man would be helpless, so they should be boss. Then the asshole applied for the job. The other parts of the body laughed so hard that the asshole become mad and closed up. After a few days the brain went foggy, the legs got wobby, the stomach got ill, e eyes got crossed and unable to see. They all conceded and made the asshole boss.
This proves that you don't' have to be a brain to be boss.... just an asshole.
Joke :: 365 days of sex
TO MY DEAR GIRLFRIEND (WIFE):
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
4 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in THE BALLS
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, playingvideo games etc. on TV.
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
4 times the sheets were clean
7 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move
TO MY DEAR BOYFRIEND (HUSBAND):
I think you have things a little confused.
Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in THE BALLS
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, playingvideo games etc. on TV.
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was,"Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
Joke :: Shipwrecked man on an island
A man was shipwrecked on an isolated island with nobody for company except his faithful dog। Life was getting monotonous until one day he spotted a sheep on the other side of the island.
Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was about to mount it when suddenly his dog gave out a frantic bark and he had to give up the idea. A second and subsequent attempts by the man to approach the sheep from the rear met with similar frustrations.
Then one day, a pretty girl was washed ashore almost lifeless, a victim of another shipwreck. After some furious efforts at resuscitation, the man managed to revive the girl.
The girl thanked the man profusely. "I'm so grateful I'd do anything for you. Anything." she said.
"Good!" said the love-struck man happily, "Can you watch my dog for fifteen minutes?"
Slowly approaching the sheep, he managed to get it into position and was about to mount it when suddenly his dog gave out a frantic bark and he had to give up the idea. A second and subsequent attempts by the man to approach the sheep from the rear met with similar frustrations.
Then one day, a pretty girl was washed ashore almost lifeless, a victim of another shipwreck. After some furious efforts at resuscitation, the man managed to revive the girl.
The girl thanked the man profusely. "I'm so grateful I'd do anything for you. Anything." she said.
"Good!" said the love-struck man happily, "Can you watch my dog for fifteen minutes?"
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