A man’s wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed. With that option out, he ventured into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. But, at the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. They had a couple of beers and one thing led to another and they ended up in her apartment.
After they had their fun, he realized it was 3 a.m. and said, “Oh no, it’s so late, my wife’s going to kill me. Do you have any talcum powder?” The woman found him some, which he proceeded to rub on his hands. Then he went home.
His wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and she was quite upset. “Where the hell have you been?”
The man took a deep breath. “Well, honey, it’s like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking chick there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her.”
“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!”
He looked down, and held them out. His wife took one look, and exploded into tears, “You damn liar! You went bowling again!”
Monday, November 19, 2007
Joke :: All the room I can get!
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. “What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked…and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner. “What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says. “But if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get!”
Joke :: Husband will be home soon!
A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”
“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…
“Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”
The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.
That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard. I couldn’t possibly do it. She would kill me!!”
“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…
“Really, I can’t,” he replied. “My wife loves this beard!!”
The girlfriend asked once more, he sighed and finally gave in.
That night James crawled into bed next to his wife while she was sleeping. The wife was awakened, turned toward him, felt his face and said, “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here. My husband will be home soon!”
Joke :: In My Chair
Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They’re up in heaven, and God’s sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.
“Al, what do you believe in?”
Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”
God thinks for a second and says, “OK, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left,”
God then addresses Bill Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?”
Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.”
God thinks for a second and says, “OK, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”
God then addresses Bill Gates. “Bill Gates, what do you believe?”
Bill Gates said, “I believe you’re in my chair.”
“Al, what do you believe in?”
Al replies, “Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we’ll all die.”
God thinks for a second and says, “OK, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left,”
God then addresses Bill Clinton. “Bill, what do you believe in?”
Bill Clinton replies, “Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people’s pain.”
God thinks for a second and says, “OK, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right.”
God then addresses Bill Gates. “Bill Gates, what do you believe?”
Bill Gates said, “I believe you’re in my chair.”
Joke :: Woman's body has five rooms
According to Chinese Doctors, a Woman's body has five rooms:
1. FACE - show room
2. BOOBS - play room
3. TUMMY - store room
4. VAGINA - men's room
5. ANUS - emergency room
1. FACE - show room
2. BOOBS - play room
3. TUMMY - store room
4. VAGINA - men's room
5. ANUS - emergency room
Friday, August 3, 2007
Sweet Stories
A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white beards sitting in her front yard.
She did not recognize them.
She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked. "No", she replied. "He's out."
"Then we cannot come in", they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened. "Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in" " We do not go into a House together," they replied. "Why is that?" she asked.
One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love."
Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."
The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How n ice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth.
Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"
His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?" Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house.
She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!" "Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife. "Go out and invite Love to be our guest ."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."
Love got up and started walking toward the house.
The other 2 also got up and followed him.
Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"
The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him.
Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success !!!!!!"
She did not recognize them.
She said "I don't think I know you, but you must be hungry. Please come in and have something to eat."
"Is the man of the house home?", they asked. "No", she replied. "He's out."
"Then we cannot come in", they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened. "Go tell them I am home and invite them in!"
The woman went out and invited the men in" " We do not go into a House together," they replied. "Why is that?" she asked.
One of the old men explained: "His name is Wealth," he said pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, "He is Success, and I am Love."
Then he added, "Now go in and discuss with your husband which one of us you want in your home."
The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her husband was overjoyed. "How n ice!!", he said. "Since that is the case, let us invite Wealth.
Let him come and fill our home with wealth!"
His wife disagreed. "My dear, why don't we invite Success?" Their daughter was listening from the other corner of the house.
She jumped in with her own suggestion: "Would it not be better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!" "Let us heed our daughter's advice," said the husband to his wife. "Go out and invite Love to be our guest ."
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, "Which one of you is Love? Please come in and be our guest."
Love got up and started walking toward the house.
The other 2 also got up and followed him.
Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and Success: "I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?"
The old men replied together: "If you had invited Wealth or Success, the other two of us would've stayed out, but since you invited Love, wherever He goes, we go with him.
Wherever there is Love, there is also Wealth and Success !!!!!!"
Life is a Gift
Life is a Gift
There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she's blind.
She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend.
He's alwaysthere for her.
She said that if she could only see the world, she would marryher boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she can see everything, including her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her, "now that you can see the world, willyou marry me?"The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend is blindtoo, and refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letterto her saying."Just take care of my eyes dear."This is how human mental thoughts changes when their status changed.
Only few remember what life was before, and who's always been there even in the most painful situations.
Life Is A GiftToday before we think of saying an unkind word
Think of someone who can't speak.
Before we complain about the taste of our food
Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before we complain about our husband or wife
Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion.
Today before we complain about life
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.
Before we complain about our children
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.
Before we argue about our dirty house, someone didn't clean or sweep
Think of the people who are living in the streets .
Before whining about the distance we drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when we are tired and complain about our job
Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wishedthey had our job.
But before we think of pointing the finger or condemninganother
Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answerto one maker.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get us down
Put a smile on our face and thank God we're alive and still around.
Life is a gift
Live it
Enjoy it
Celebrate it
EMBRACE IT
And fulfill it
Let The LORD & The LIGHT OF THE WORLD Bless You...............
There was a blind girl who hated herself just because she's blind.
She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend.
He's alwaysthere for her.
She said that if she could only see the world, she would marryher boyfriend.
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her and then she can see everything, including her boyfriend.
Her boyfriend asked her, "now that you can see the world, willyou marry me?"The girl was shocked when she saw that her boyfriend is blindtoo, and refused to marry him.
Her boyfriend walked away in tears, and later wrote a letterto her saying."Just take care of my eyes dear."This is how human mental thoughts changes when their status changed.
Only few remember what life was before, and who's always been there even in the most painful situations.
Life Is A GiftToday before we think of saying an unkind word
Think of someone who can't speak.
Before we complain about the taste of our food
Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before we complain about our husband or wife
Think of someone who's crying out to God for a companion.
Today before we complain about life
Think of someone who went too early to heaven.
Before we complain about our children
Think of someone who desires children but they're barren.
Before we argue about our dirty house, someone didn't clean or sweep
Think of the people who are living in the streets .
Before whining about the distance we drive
Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet.
And when we are tired and complain about our job
Think of the unemployed, the disabled and those who wishedthey had our job.
But before we think of pointing the finger or condemninganother
Remember that not one of us are without sin and we all answerto one maker.
And when depressing thoughts seem to get us down
Put a smile on our face and thank God we're alive and still around.
Life is a gift
Live it
Enjoy it
Celebrate it
EMBRACE IT
And fulfill it
Let The LORD & The LIGHT OF THE WORLD Bless You...............
Wednesday, August 1, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Joke :: Grandma's advice to virgin grand-daughter
There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the first time and she told her grandmother about it.
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about those young boys. He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that."
She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to put his hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on her date and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
The next day she told her grandmother that her date went just as the old lady said. She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the family. When he tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced his family."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)