A young man went to the psychiatrist complaining that he was getting married and he was worried about the small size of his penis. The psychiatrist advised him to go and stay on a dairy farm, and every morning, dip his penis in milk and get is sucked by a calf.
Some time later, the young man met the psychiatrist in the street.
"How's the marriage going?", asked the psychiatrist.
"I never got married", said the young man. "I canceled it and bought the calf."
Sunday, April 29, 2007
Joke :: Guy asking girl after sex
A guy meets a girl in the bar and she goes home with him. When they are relaxing after making love, he asks, "Am I the first guy you ever made love to?"
She looks at him for a few moments and says, "of course you are!" she said. "Why do you men always ask that same stupid questions?"
She looks at him for a few moments and says, "of course you are!" she said. "Why do you men always ask that same stupid questions?"
Joke :: Umpire giving bad decisions
Ossie approached the umpire after a series of bad decisions.
"If I called you a stupid bastard who didn't know the first thing about the rules of football, what would you do?", he said.
"I'd report you and you'd be fined", replied the umpire.
"What if I didn't say it and I just thought it?", said Ossie.
"Well, there's nothing I can do about that."
"O.K.", said Ossie, "we'll just leave it at that."
"If I called you a stupid bastard who didn't know the first thing about the rules of football, what would you do?", he said.
"I'd report you and you'd be fined", replied the umpire.
"What if I didn't say it and I just thought it?", said Ossie.
"Well, there's nothing I can do about that."
"O.K.", said Ossie, "we'll just leave it at that."
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Joke :: Drunk asking a cop about time
The Police Sergeant told the young Constable to clean up the drunks hanging around the local bar.
One drunk walked up to him and asked, "Exchuse me, offisser, could you tell me the time?"
"One o'clock", replied the Policeman, and hit him once on the head with his baton.
"Christ!" said the drunk, "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"
One drunk walked up to him and asked, "Exchuse me, offisser, could you tell me the time?"
"One o'clock", replied the Policeman, and hit him once on the head with his baton.
"Christ!" said the drunk, "I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago!"
Joke :: Less costly alternative to Vasectomy
After having their 11Th child, a North Georgia Mountain couple decided 11 was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, " said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ....... At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas, Missouri and parts of Tenn.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in the North Georgia Mountains), light it, put it in an empty beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The redneck said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me, " said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1" "2" "3" "4" "5" ....... At this point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, West Virginia, Arkansas, Missouri and parts of Tenn.
Joke :: Problem of Ivan after night party
Ivan looked worried. He was explaining to his friend about his experience after the party the night before.
"I was so pissed", he said, "I can hardly remember a thing. All I know is that I woke up on top of this woman. I didn't know what to do, so I gave her $20, rolled over and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was at home in bed and I realized it was my wife that I'd given the $20 to."
"Well, what's the problem?" said his friend.
"She gave me $10 change", Ivan replied.
"I was so pissed", he said, "I can hardly remember a thing. All I know is that I woke up on top of this woman. I didn't know what to do, so I gave her $20, rolled over and went to sleep. When I woke up this morning, I was at home in bed and I realized it was my wife that I'd given the $20 to."
"Well, what's the problem?" said his friend.
"She gave me $10 change", Ivan replied.
Joke :: Stupid Husband
A man came home to find his wife in bed with his friend,
"What's going on here?" demanded the husband.
"See," said the wife to her lover, "I told you he was stupid."
"What's going on here?" demanded the husband.
"See," said the wife to her lover, "I told you he was stupid."
Joke :: Choosing a Door in hell
A rather bad man dies and meets Satan in a room with three doors. Satan explains, "I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that you have to spend eternity behind one of these doors. But, the good news is that you can take a peek behind each and take your choice."
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee. "Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "OK, coffee break`s over, back on your heads!"
So, the man opened the first door and saw a room full of people, standing on their heads on a concrete floor. Not very nice, he thought.
Opening the second door, he saw a room full of people standing on their heads on a wooden floor. Better, he thought, but best to check the last door.
Upon opening the last door, he saw a room full of people, standing waist-deep in excrement and sipping coffee. "Of the three, this one looks best," he said and waded in to get something to drink while Satan closed the door.
A few minutes later the door opened, Satan stuck his head in and said, "OK, coffee break`s over, back on your heads!"
Joke :: Guy feeling weak and faint
"Doctor, I feel weak and faint."
"How many times do you have sex?", asked the doctor.
"Five or six times a night."
"Obviously that's the cause of your problem", said the doctor.
"What a relief, doc. I was afraid it might be the masturbation."
"How many times do you have sex?", asked the doctor.
"Five or six times a night."
"Obviously that's the cause of your problem", said the doctor.
"What a relief, doc. I was afraid it might be the masturbation."
Joke :: Strange light
"Wake up Paula!" Peter yelled at 2am. You won't believe what just happened! I went to have a leak and a strange light came on from nowhere. When I finished the light went out again. It's a miracle!"
"No, it's not," said Paula. "You've pissed in the bloody fridge again!"
"No, it's not," said Paula. "You've pissed in the bloody fridge again!"
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