The weather was very hot, so this man wanted desperately take a dive in the nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming outfit, but who cared ? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.
After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket, which laid on the sandy
beach. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move. Then one of the ladies said: “You know , I have a special gift, I can read minds.”
“Impossible”, said the embarrassed man, “You really know what I think?”
“Yes”, the lady replied, ‘I know that you think that the bucket you’re holding has a bottom in it.”
Thursday, June 7, 2007
Joke :: Signs that you need a new lawyer
1. During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
2. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
3. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
4. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
5. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
6. A prison guard is shaving your head.
7. Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
8. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
9. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
10. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”
11. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
12. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”
13. Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
14. The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.”
15. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
2. When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.
3. He picks the jury by playing “duck-duck-goose.”
4. During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
5. He asks a hostile witness to “pull my finger.”
6. A prison guard is shaving your head.
7. Every couple of minutes he yells, “I call Jack Daniels to the stand!” and proceeds to drink a shot.
8. He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
9. He places a large “No Refunds” sign on the defense table.
10. He begins closing arguments with, “As Ally McBeal once said …”
11. He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
12. Just before trial starts he whispers, “The judge is the one with the little hammer, right?”
13. Just before he says “Your Honor,” he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
14. The sign in front of his law office reads “Practicing Law Since 2:25 PM.”
15. Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, “Whatever.”
Joke :: God's Apples of Life
A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, 'What are those round things hanging there, daddy?'
Proudly, he replies, 'Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here.'
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, 'Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?'
Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, 'What are those round things hanging there, daddy?'
Proudly, he replies, 'Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life.
Without them we wouldn't be here.'
Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.
To which mommy asks, 'Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?'
Joke :: Four advantages of breast milk
The student - not necessarily a well-prepared student - sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.”
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can’t steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?
Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can’t steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.
Um. So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write?
Once more he sighed. He frowned. He scowled. Then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers.
Joke :: How different professionals have sex
ACCOUNTANTS are good with figures.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ANSI does it in the standard way
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
C'Bers do it on the air.
CAMPERS do it in a tent.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COACHES whistle while they work.
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns.
COWBOYS handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIETICIANS eat better.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DIVERS do it deeper.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.
DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGE MEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.
HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.
HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.
HANDYMEN like good screws.
HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.
HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.
HUNTERS do it with a bang.
INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
INVENTORS find a way.
JANITORS clean up afterwards.
JEWELERS mount real gems.
JOGGERS do it on the run.
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
LIBRARIANS do it quietly.
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.
MACHINISTS make the best screws.
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.
MANAGERS supervise others.
MARKETING REPs do it on commission.
MILKMEN deliver twice a week.
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
MINISTERS do it on Sundays.
MISSILE MEN have better thrust.
MODELS do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOVIE STARS do it on film.
MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.
NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.
NURSES call the shots.
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.
OPERATORS do it person-to-person.
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
POLICEMEN like big busts.
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
POSTMEN come slower.
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.
PROFESSORS do it by the book.
RACERS like to come in first.
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.
RECYCLERS use it again.
REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
REPORTERS do it daily.
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.
RETAILERS move their merchandise.
ROOFERS do it on top.
RUNNERS get into more pants.
SAILORS like to be blown.
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.
SCIENTISTS discovered it.
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.
SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.
SPELUNKERS do it underground.
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.
STEWARDESSES do it in the air.
STUDENTS use their heads.
SURGEONS are smooth operators.
TAILORS make it fit.
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.
TYPISTS do it in triplicate.
VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.
VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.
WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.
WATER SKIERS come down harder.
WELDERS have hotter rods.
WRESTLERS know the best holds.
WRITERS have novel ways.
ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.
ACTORS do it on cue.
ADVERTISERS use the "new, improved" method.
AMBULANCE DRIVERS come quicker.
ANSI does it in the standard way
ARCHEOLOGISTS like it old.
ARCHITECTS have great plans.
ARTISTS are exhibitionists.
ASSEMBLY LINE WORKERS do it over and over.
ASTRONOMERS do it with Uranus.
ATTORNEYS make better motions.
AUDITORS like to examine figures.
BABYSITTERS charge by the hour.
BAILIFFS always come to order.
BAKERS knead it daily.
BAND MEMBERS play all night.
BANKERS do it with interest - penalty for early withdrawal.
BARBERS do it with shear pleasure.
BARTENDERS do it on the rocks.
BASEBALL PLAYERS make it to first base.
BASKETBALL PLAYERS score more often.
BEEKEEPERS like to eat their honey.
BEER BREWERS do it with more hops.
BEER DRINKERS get more head.
BICYCLISTS do it with 10 speeds.
BOOKKEEPERS do it with double entry.
BOSSES delegate the task to others.
BOWLERS have bigger balls.
BRICKLAYERS lay all day.
BRIDGE PLAYERS try to get a rubber.
BUS DRIVERS come early and pull out on time.
BUTCHERS have better meat.
C'Bers do it on the air.
CAMPERS do it in a tent.
CARPENTERS hammer it harder.
CARPET LAYERS do it on the floor.
CHEERLEADERS do it with more enthusiasm.
CHEMISTS like to experiment.
CHESS PLAYERS check their mates.
CHIROPRACTORS do it by manipulation.
CLOCK MAKERS do it mechanically.
CLOWNS do it for laughs.
COACHES whistle while they work.
COBOL PROGRAMMERS do it with bugs.
COCKTAIL WAITRESSES serve highballs.
COMPUTER GAME PLAYERS just can't stop.
COMPUTER OPERATORS get the most out of their software.
CONSTRUCTION WORKERS lay a better foundation.
CONSULTANTS tell other how to do it.
COPS have bigger guns.
COWBOYS handle anything horny.
COWGIRLS like to ride bareback.
CRANE OPERATORS have swinging balls.
CREDIT MANAGERS always collect.
DANCERS do it in leaps and bounds.
DEADHEADS do it with Jerry.
DEER HUNTERS will do anything for a buck.
DENTAL HYGIENISTS do it till it hurts.
DENTISTS do it in your mouth.
DETECTIVES do it under cover.
DIETICIANS eat better.
DIRECT MAILERS get it in the sack.
DIVERS do it deeper.
DOCTORS do it with patience.
DRUGGISTS fill your prescription.
DRUMMERS do it in 4/4 time.
DRY WALLER'S are better bangers.
ELECTRICIANS check your shorts.
ENGINEERS charge by the hour.
EXECUTIVES have large staffs.
FARMERS spread it around.
FIREMEN are always in heat.
FISHERMEN are proud of their rods.
FOOTBALL PLAYERS are measured by the yard.
FOUR-WHEELERS eat more bush.
FURRIERS appreciate good beaver.
GARBAGE MEN come once a week.
GARDENERS have 50 foot hoses.
GAS STATION ATTENDANTS pump all day.
GEOLOGISTS are great explorers.
GOLFERS do it in 18 holes.
GYMNASTS mount and dismount well.
HACKERS do it with fewer instructions.
HAIRDRESSERS give the best blow jobs.
HAM OPERATORS do it with frequency.
HANDYMEN like good screws.
HEWLETT PACKARD does it with precision.
HORSEBACK RIDERS stay in the saddle longer.
HUNTERS do it with a bang.
INSURANCE SALESMEN are premium lovers.
INTERIOR DECORATORS do it all over the house.
INVENTORS find a way.
JANITORS clean up afterwards.
JEWELERS mount real gems.
JOGGERS do it on the run.
LANDSCAPERS plant it deeper.
LAWYERS do it in their briefs.
LIBRARIANS do it quietly.
LOCKSMITHS can get into anything.
LONG DISTANCE RUNNERS last longer.
MACHINISTS make the best screws.
MAGICIANS are quicker than the eye.
MAINTENANCE MEN sweep 'em off their feet.
MANAGERS supervise others.
MARKETING REPs do it on commission.
MILKMEN deliver twice a week.
MILLIONAIRES pay to have it done.
MINERS sink deeper shafts.
MINISTERS do it on Sundays.
MISSILE MEN have better thrust.
MODELS do it in any position.
MODEM MANUFACTURERS do it with all sorts of characters.
MOTORCYCLISTS like something hot between their legs.
MOVIE STARS do it on film.
MUSICIANS do it with rhythm.
NONSMOKERS do it without huffing and puffing.
NURSES call the shots.
OCEANOGRAPHERS do it down under.
OPERATORS do it person-to-person.
OPTOMETRISTS do it face-to-face.
PAINTERS do it with longer strokes.
PARAMEDICS PHOTOGRAPHERS do it with a flash.
PHYSICISTS do it with uniform harmonic motion.
PILOTS keep it up longer.
PLUMBERS do it under the sink.
POLICEMEN like big busts.
POLITICIANS do it for 4 years then have to get re-erected.
POSTMEN come slower.
PRINTERS do it without wrinkling the sheets.
PRINTERS reproduce the fastest.
PROCTOLOGISTS do it in the end.
PROFESSORS do it by the book.
RACERS like to come in first.
RACQUETBALL PLAYERS do it off the wall..
RADIO and TV ANNOUNCERS broadcast it.
REAL ESTATE PEOPLE know all the prime spots.
RECYCLERS use it again.
REPAIRMEN can fix anything.
REPORTERS do it daily.
RESEARCHERS are still looking for it.
RETAILERS move their merchandise.
ROOFERS do it on top.
RUNNERS get into more pants.
SAILORS like to be blown.
SALESPEOPLE have away with their tongues.
SCIENTISTS discovered it.
SECRETARIES do it from 9 to 5.
SKYDIVERS are good till the last drop.
SOCCER PLAYERS have leather balls.
SPEECH PATHOLOGISTS are oral specialists.
SPELUNKERS do it underground.
SPORTSCASTERS like an instant replay.
STEWARDESSES do it in the air.
STUDENTS use their heads.
SURGEONS are smooth operators.
TAILORS make it fit.
TAXI DRIVERS do it all over town.
TAXIDERMISTS mount anything.
TELEPHONE CO. EMPLOYEES let their fingers do the walking.
TELLERS can handle all deposits and withdrawals.
TENNIS PLAYERS have fuzzy balls.
TRUCK DRIVERS have bigger dipsticks.
TRUCKERS carry bigger loads.
TYPISTS do it in triplicate.
VETERINARIANS are pussy lovers.
VOLLEYBALL PLAYERS keep it up.
WAITRESSES serve it piping hot.
WATER SKIERS come down harder.
WELDERS have hotter rods.
WRESTLERS know the best holds.
WRITERS have novel ways.
ZOOLOGISTS do it with animal instinct.
Joke :: Women's English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure go ahead = I don’t want you to
I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!
You’re so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re really not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you’re dead
Was that the baby? = Why don’t you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
I’m not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Everything = My PMS is acting up
Nothing, really = It’s just that you’re such an asshole
Joke :: Types of Girl Friends
1) Ms. Nice Gal - “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have”
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
2) Old Yeller - “You god-damned spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
3) Sickly - “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
4) The Bosser - “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5) Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
6) Wild Woman out of Control - “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
7) Huffy - “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at”
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
8) Woman from Mars - “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
9) Ms. Dream girl - “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze, doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
2) Old Yeller - “You god-damned spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
3) Sickly - “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
4) The Bosser - “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut. Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
5) Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied - “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career, goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
6) Wild Woman out of Control - “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
7) Huffy - “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering at”
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition, iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
8) Woman from Mars - “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel about our relationship”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News, Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
9) Ms. Dream girl - “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love like crazed weasels now”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you.
Joke :: Nailing people's personality based on what they drink
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a WOMAN’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white Zinfandel,see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had four more years…Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zinfandel
personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk…and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the MALE addendum …. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something.
White Zinfandel: He’s gay.
The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, has picky taste; knows what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. She’ll send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine - (does not include white Zinfandel,see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated.
Your Approach: Tell her you wish Reagan had four more years…Alzheimer’s and term limits be damned.
Drink: White Zinfandel
personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…
Drink: Shots
Personality: Hanging with frat-boy pals or looking to get drunk…and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. Nothing to do but wait.
Then there is the MALE addendum …. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut.
Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: He’s hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn’t give two shits about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: Piss off, all you wankers, I’m gonna go shag something.
White Zinfandel: He’s gay.
Joke :: Things not to say to a naked woman
Cool, I’ve never been to the Grand Canyon.
How many storage boxes can you fit in there?
You must be very experienced.
Remember, you said this was a freebie…right?
Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don’t fall in.
I gotta take off my watch, wouldn’t wanna lose it.
Why do you wear a bra when you’ve already got a belt.
Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
I heard carpenters dream about you.
So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
Look….I can get my whole arm in.
It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
Is that an optical illusion?
If I look right at it I feel like I’m falling in.
Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
Do you mind if I wear one too…in case yours falls off?
Jeez…What ya got up there, dead fish?
I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
I’ve been wondering all night what that smell was.
Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
Oh, that’s why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.
Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
You’re not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
You’re not ‘that’ fat.
I see why everyone said, with you, it’s better with the lights out.
Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.
How many storage boxes can you fit in there?
You must be very experienced.
Remember, you said this was a freebie…right?
Wait, let me get a board and rope so I don’t fall in.
I gotta take off my watch, wouldn’t wanna lose it.
Why do you wear a bra when you’ve already got a belt.
Would you mind rolling around in this flour.
I heard carpenters dream about you.
So this is why you’re supposed to judge people on personality.
Look….I can get my whole arm in.
It’s a good thing you have so many other talents.
Is that an optical illusion?
If I look right at it I feel like I’m falling in.
Would you mind wearing a paper sack on your head?
Do you mind if I wear one too…in case yours falls off?
Jeez…What ya got up there, dead fish?
I heard you could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Have you ever thought of working in a sideshow?
I’ve been wondering all night what that smell was.
Maybe if I get really wasted I wont mind your body.
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Everybody down at the bar said you were good.
Oh, that’s why they call it a Wonderbra, it makes those lines go away.
Huh? They told me your name was Jezebel.
I expect a good time, at least, the bathroom wall said so.
You’re not as ugly as people claim, not quite anyway.
You’re not ‘that’ fat.
I see why everyone said, with you, it’s better with the lights out.
Wow, you like it the same way your little sister does.
Joke :: Hindi translation of common English phrases
Have a nice day! —– * Achcha din lo!
What’s up? —– *Uppar kya hai?
You’re kidding! —– *Tum bachcha bana rahe ho!
Don’t kid me! —– * Mera bachcha mut banaao!
Yo, baby! What’s up? —–* Beti Yo, uppar kya hai?
Cool man! —–* Thandaa aadmi!
Don’t mess with me, dude.—– * Mere saath gandagee mat karo, ek hustee.
Check this out, man! —– * Iskee chaanbeen karo, aadmi!
She’s so fine! —– * Woh itnee baareek hai!
Listen buddy, that chick’s mine, okay!?—– * Suno dost, woh choozaa mera hai, theek?
Hey good looking; what’s cooking? —– * Hey Sundari; kyaa pak raha hai?
Are you nuts? —– * Kya aap akhrot hain?
Son of a gun.—– * Bachcha bandook ka.
And the best one is…..
How do you do? —– * Kaise karte ho?
General Body Meeting…. —– *Saamanya Shaaririk Milan
C ya folks… —– (Dekhte hain doston) &
Keep in touch…… —– (Chhoote Raho…..)
What’s up? —– *Uppar kya hai?
You’re kidding! —– *Tum bachcha bana rahe ho!
Don’t kid me! —– * Mera bachcha mut banaao!
Yo, baby! What’s up? —–* Beti Yo, uppar kya hai?
Cool man! —–* Thandaa aadmi!
Don’t mess with me, dude.—– * Mere saath gandagee mat karo, ek hustee.
Check this out, man! —– * Iskee chaanbeen karo, aadmi!
She’s so fine! —– * Woh itnee baareek hai!
Listen buddy, that chick’s mine, okay!?—– * Suno dost, woh choozaa mera hai, theek?
Hey good looking; what’s cooking? —– * Hey Sundari; kyaa pak raha hai?
Are you nuts? —– * Kya aap akhrot hain?
Son of a gun.—– * Bachcha bandook ka.
And the best one is…..
How do you do? —– * Kaise karte ho?
General Body Meeting…. —– *Saamanya Shaaririk Milan
C ya folks… —– (Dekhte hain doston) &
Keep in touch…… —– (Chhoote Raho…..)
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